[a dolphin kisses me at sea world]
ME: so like what are we

You Might Also Like


[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?


My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…


Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]


Them: can I talk to you?

Me: not now, I’m in a bad mood.

Them: why?

Me: because you wanna talk to me


ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!


I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.


Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?


How I wear a scarf:

1. Take scarf and drape it over my shoulder

2. Find an annoying co-worker and choke them to death with it.

3. Repeat