I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
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As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.