@bobvulfov

[a dolphin kisses me at sea world]
ME: so like what are we

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@ArfMeasures

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

@AndLive2Love

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

@EndhooS

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

@Whoizthatbitch

Them: can I talk to you?

Me: not now, I’m in a bad mood.

Them: why?

Me: because you wanna talk to me

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

@SladeWentworth

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

@AndyAsAdjective

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

@That_Damn_Duck

How I wear a scarf:

1. Take scarf and drape it over my shoulder

2. Find an annoying co-worker and choke them to death with it.

3. Repeat