[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
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I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Just grow your own
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks