[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
You Might Also Like
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library