A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
You Might Also Like
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”