A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
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[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too