@Molly_Kats

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

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@Reverend_Scott

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

@TheTweetOfGod

Out of curiosity, where were you all thinking of moving after you’re done destroying the Earth? ‘Cause I assume you’ve thought that through.

@PhilJamesson

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

@iamchrisscott

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

@ShesARealGenius

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”

@vulcan_kelly

I’m not being creepy but i can see thru my binoculars that your family portrait is hanging crooked on your wall

@squirrel74wkgn

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

@TheAlexNevil

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

@BoomBoomBetty

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

@jmhuntsinger

Sometimes I like to lie on the kitchen floor and pretend I’m a crumb.