A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
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[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth