In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
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Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.