A drum solo but on your face.
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I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
All. The. Damn. Time.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars