ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
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WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
wife: How was work?
[flashback to me being asked to leave the meeting because I couldn’t stop giggling after someone said “abreast”]
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Why did I laugh so hard tho ? 😂😂
I hate when I take a nap on a park bench and everyone assumes I homeless. People with houses get tired, too.
Cute girl in the office sees me do something with my left hand
Her: oh. You’re left-handed too
*I pretend to be left-handed for next 5 yrs
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined