a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
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Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
This is my emotional support knife.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?