@JKNenagh

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

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@AndyAsAdjective

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

@Coastiefish

You think God hates crosses?

If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I’d be pissed.

@mattgallo123

The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.

@Sickayduh

Hey, guy who named the mustache

Hair lip was available

@DaddyJew

[putting kid to bed]

Me: I love you

6 half asleep: I love french fries

@Bob_Janke

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

@Westoff123

Waking on campus and some girl said, “I like you a lot.” And I turned around and said thank you and realized she talking to the guy with her

@samalmightysam

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

@SirEviscerate

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.