a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

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[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored


You think God hates crosses?

If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I’d be pissed.


The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.


Hey, guy who named the mustache

Hair lip was available


[putting kid to bed]

Me: I love you

6 half asleep: I love french fries


They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.


Waking on campus and some girl said, “I like you a lot.” And I turned around and said thank you and realized she talking to the guy with her


No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.


ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.