a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
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There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.