[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
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If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.