@TheRobCee

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

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@SteveSuckington

DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?

ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris

SON: OMG!!

ME: (to son) what’s wrong 97FordF150?

@drinksmcgee

Me, a Canadian: The metric system is easy. 100mm = 1cm. 100cm = 1m. Super easy.

You, an American: The imperial system is easy. 1 Flapjangle = 7.2 Flogboggles. 29 Flogboggles = 3.97 Dingmarkles. Super easy.

@3_arbutus

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

@9to5Life

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

@MrMichaelRose

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

@DothTheDoth

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

@Parkerlawyer

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

@Swishergirl24

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

@MenHumor

Female Viagra has been around for years It’s called money.

@Marcmywords2

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.