[baby is bouncing in swing seat]
I wish I had one of those.
They bring great joy.
I (to self)
Oh, he thinks I mean a baby.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
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I worry that people who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” may have missed a Science class or two.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Interviewer: what did you learn from your previous job?
Me: that I need a new job
If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom
I guess it’s finally time to shave my legs for spring
*Walks away with hedge trimmers
I just forgot about some nachos in the oven, don’t tell me about your hopes and dreams going up in flames.
– traveling zombies
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.