A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

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DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?

ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris


ME: (to son) what’s wrong 97FordF150?


Me, a Canadian: The metric system is easy. 100mm = 1cm. 100cm = 1m. Super easy.

You, an American: The imperial system is easy. 1 Flapjangle = 7.2 Flogboggles. 29 Flogboggles = 3.97 Dingmarkles. Super easy.


There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.


Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.


I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters


Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.


My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.


My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.


Female Viagra has been around for years It’s called money.


“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake