@TheRobCee

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

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@EamonToPlease

[baby is bouncing in swing seat]

I
I wish I had one of those.

HER DAD
They bring great joy.

I (to self)
Oh, he thinks I mean a baby.

@nerdreign

I worry that people who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” may have missed a Science class or two.

@BoogTweets

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what did you learn from your previous job?

Me: that I need a new job

@jdforshort

If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom

I guess it’s finally time to shave my legs for spring

*Walks away with hedge trimmers

@pplwtching

I just forgot about some nachos in the oven, don’t tell me about your hopes and dreams going up in flames.

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

@Mardigroan

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

@AndyAsAdjective

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.