DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?
ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris
ME: (to son) what’s wrong 97FordF150?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
You Might Also Like
Me, a Canadian: The metric system is easy. 100mm = 1cm. 100cm = 1m. Super easy.
You, an American: The imperial system is easy. 1 Flapjangle = 7.2 Flogboggles. 29 Flogboggles = 3.97 Dingmarkles. Super easy.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Female Viagra has been around for years It’s called money.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
People that don’t know how cake