A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
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genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.