A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
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Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes