A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
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The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
My Sentiments Exactly
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*