@phxguy88

A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.

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@desukidesu

little girl: what’s behind the wardrobe?

old man: narnia

girl: what’s narn-

man: narnia business

@MoneypennyNaked

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

@RorynotRoy

“How fast can you hack into the system!?” “20-25 minutes.” “You’ve got 10 minutes!” “Okay, well then I can’t.” – real life spy dialogues

@ddsmidt

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

@SondraDeeMe

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

@IndecisiveJones

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

@huntigula

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

@MsSkarsgaard

Everything is so great right now, she exclaimed.
Morgan Freeman: It WAS great. And so it was now that the universe decided to intervene.

@DeanB15

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

@drinksmcgee

This year’s theme for my kid’s birthay party was “I punched a clown and everyone learned a valuable lesson about phobias and alcoholism”