gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
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[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please