A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
You Might Also Like
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
*limbos away from your hug*
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone