A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
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I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
The sacred texts.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I gave up going to work for lent.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.