A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
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A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
E
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
The Punning Dead.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Ferrari squats
This might be me.
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I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
i want the dreams to chase me for once
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.