Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
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Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love
[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
“Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses”
-I remind myself as I flirt with the fire extinguisher I’ve mistaken for a cute guy
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
This is RAD.