@DanMentos

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

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@UncleDuke1969

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

@sucittaM

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

@carlyken

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

@buhsbaby_baby

“Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses”

-I remind myself as I flirt with the fire extinguisher I’ve mistaken for a cute guy

@noog

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

@LackOfShame

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

@Jenny4ashley

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

@KalvinMacleod

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2