Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
B: They. I mean they
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
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These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
god: these are humans
angel: how do they work?
god: [rubbing temples] not…not well
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I’m not racist. I hate all races equally. Especially the 100 meter dash. All short and Olympickish.
The revolution will be tweeted. The sunset, Instagrammed. The relationship, Facebooked. The storm, Vined.
All I want, every day, is to find a derelict spaceship, develop abnormal symptoms & then tell no one.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.