@DanMentos

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

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@stephenjmolloy

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

@YoungNobler

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

@flashember

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

@james_comics

god: these are humans

angel: how do they work?

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well

@SarahhMcCaff

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

@Mikecanrant

I’m not racist. I hate all races equally. Especially the 100 meter dash. All short and Olympickish.

@nickbilton

The revolution will be tweeted. The sunset, Instagrammed. The relationship, Facebooked. The storm, Vined.

@DothTheDoth

All I want, every day, is to find a derelict spaceship, develop abnormal symptoms & then tell no one.

@AshleyFrankly

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

@Iwriteforcats

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.