A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
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I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Current mood: Potato
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
they really do be looking like this
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)