A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

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[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.


Probably a good thing I’m not a ghost cause I’d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.


[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me


Does everyone have that ONE follower who will Fav the hell outta every RT…but wouldn’t even piss on your own tweets if they were on fire?


evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.


I was walking on the beach with my gf until my drugs wore off and I realised that I was dragging around a stolen mannequin.


Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK


The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.


*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*


Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.