@Home_Halfway

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

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@aka_fatman

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

@sammyrhodes

Probably a good thing I’m not a ghost cause I’d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.

@squirrel74wkgn

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

@kcmoore51

Does everyone have that ONE follower who will Fav the hell outta every RT…but wouldn’t even piss on your own tweets if they were on fire?

@kelkulus

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

@thegreatnanak

I was walking on the beach with my gf until my drugs wore off and I realised that I was dragging around a stolen mannequin.

@GrantTanaka

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

@Eden_Eats

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.

@AimeeHelene1

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

@difficultpatty

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.