@Home_Halfway

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

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@RickAaron

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

@DelanieFischer

People who don’t have a name for their newborn,

What the shit did you do for 9 months?

@DadBeard

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

@JB4Realz

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

@JennyJohnsonHi5

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

@PinkCamoTO

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

@ZipperMouth_

I’m calling them Accused Murder Hornets until I hear their side the story.

@2tickytacky

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

@MomOnFire

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.