A family that plays together cheats.
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ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.