@joshgondelman

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

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@1Happytwit

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

@Michael1979

Step 1: Join a group chat full of strangers
Step 2: Announce that someone in the group has been private messaging you pics of themselves in very snug speedos
Step 3: Answer no questions
Step 4: Leave

@faggrat

time zones are so weird like, australia is already in 2018, europe still in 2017 and the US in 1950…so weird lmaoo

@Donna_McCoy

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

@PleaseBeGneiss

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

@Kyle_Lippert

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

@CAshmanActor

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

@legreece

My dog doesn’t always bark like there’s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I’m home alone and in the shower.