Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
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There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Step 1: Join a group chat full of strangers
Step 2: Announce that someone in the group has been private messaging you pics of themselves in very snug speedos
Step 3: Answer no questions
Step 4: Leave
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
time zones are so weird like, australia is already in 2018, europe still in 2017 and the US in 1950…so weird lmaoo
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
me: 911 how would I know?
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
C R E
My dog doesn’t always bark like there’s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I’m home alone and in the shower.