OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
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no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.