Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

funeral catering business:

your loss, our gain

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.

Good news

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Breaking news:

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.