I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
A Febreze commercial but with pot head teenagers trying not to get busted by their parents that had just walked in the house.
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St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I’m not staying up all night to get lucky.
If it doesn’t happen by midnight, I’m going to bed.
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight … lie.