@shawn_spree

A Febreze commercial but with pot head teenagers trying not to get busted by their parents that had just walked in the house.

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@_Ted_Bear

Why can’t I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?

@Awk0Tacoo

Every chick magazine ever:
You’re beautiful and are perfect just the way you are!

How to loose ten pounds in ten days you fat, ugly cow.

@ArfMeasures

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

@TheTweetOfGod

Out of curiosity, where were you all thinking of moving after you’re done destroying the Earth? ‘Cause I assume you’ve thought that through.

@SadieSmithRoks

Is no shave November just for men?

Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.

@Dawn_M_

He said I reminded him of the girl from The Ring.
We laughed and laughed, and then I put an axe in his back and ate his soul.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

@joejwest

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]