A Febreze commercial but with pot head teenagers trying not to get busted by their parents that had just walked in the house.

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I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.


St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.


[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30


Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period


I’m not staying up all night to get lucky.

If it doesn’t happen by midnight, I’m going to bed.


Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”


I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.


I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight … lie.