A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
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A dad and his duck
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
#Thanos #MondayMood
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.