A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
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YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
The smoothest fall of all time
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.