@Cheeseboy22

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

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@tweetrajouhari

When famous people say that the key to great skin is like… simply washing with soap… I want them to go to jaiI for this.

@SamInspired

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

@Blarebare

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

@flashember

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

@Holy_Mowgli

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

@Home_Halfway

I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.

@IGotsSmarts

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one