A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
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I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
me and who
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad