*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
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There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Netflix: We have Less
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.