a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

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[me trying to do magic]
Is this your card?
Is THIS your card?
“Not even close”
What about THIS?
“Trent thats literally a piece of ham”


[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station


BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]


Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.


Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good


As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.


My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.


I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you