@heyitskellyy

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

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@jnrbtsn

I don’t discriminate among size guys.

Personally my favorite is 3 inches and goes by the name visa, mc, or amex.

@TheMichaelRock

Why is everyone mad at Kim Davis? Nobody in the government does their job.

@AnnaKendrick47

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

@Ivsy01

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

@beefman138

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

@robdelaney

“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”

@NewDadNotes

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

@qwertying

A Little girl asked her father: Do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time? Father: No, some begin with – If elected I promise..