@heyitskellyy

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

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@blade_funner

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

@mommajessiec

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

@CAshmanActor

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

@fulciHugazombie

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

@thetigersez

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

@rationalists

Republicans say they’re not satisfied with Michele Obama’s speech because she didn’t give it from her kitchen.

@Gre_Gone

Me: “I feel like I’m 90 years old.”
My Skin: “Let’s go through puberty again.”

@bea_ker

“And, as we commit our brother Whack-A-Mole to the earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust…”

*another coffin slowly rises behind him*

@SaraMansford

Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.