[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
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80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Republicans say they’re not satisfied with Michele Obama’s speech because she didn’t give it from her kitchen.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Me: “I feel like I’m 90 years old.”
My Skin: “Let’s go through puberty again.”
“And, as we commit our brother Whack-A-Mole to the earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust…”
*another coffin slowly rises behind him*
Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.