A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

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Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”


I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.


Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.


I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.


The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the c**kroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.


HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs


[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.


Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic


I don’t condone workplace violence, until someone microwaves fish in the break room.


[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*