@dooce: A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
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@Jake_Vig: Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive. Now picture them holding a pizza box.
@TheHyyyype: wife: ugh the baby's been crying for hours, can you take over? me: sure *starts crying for hours*
@ShawnHatosy: If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
@truegritrumble: FRIEND: Try to relate to her. (Later on Date) ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?