@dooce

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

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@MrSandeepP

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

@ficklenuts

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

@GoldenSpirals

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

@GabbbarSingh

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the c**kroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

@Staggfilms

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

@DrLuke1994

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

@ThisCantBRight

I don’t condone workplace violence, until someone microwaves fish in the break room.

@Laser_Cat

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*