A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
You Might Also Like
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally