@simoncholland

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

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@AimeeHelene1

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

@houffy

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

@linkindrinkin

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

@drewjanda

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

@seriouslyemily

This girls skirt is so short I can see how many times her dad missed a dance recital from here.

@CulturedRuffian

Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won’t do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won’t do that.

@Vodkantots

The last time I left the house without wearing blush, someone tried to drive a stake through my heart.

@BobTheSuit

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.