I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
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My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
This girls skirt is so short I can see how many times her dad missed a dance recital from here.
Her: Go deeper!
Me: *panics and start quoting Hemingway*
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
The last time I left the house without wearing blush, someone tried to drive a stake through my heart.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.