@Lilblack_heart
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
@Parkerlawyer
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
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@Lilblack_heart
@XplodingUnicorn
Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves?
Me: Dying people are moths?
@iamspacegirl
me: I’m tired
Medieval Physician: Ok I’m gonna cut you open to drain your blood
me: Maybe I could rest
MP: haha no I’m cutting your veins
@PearlsFromMyrna
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
@TheMichaelRock
I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.
@GrowlyGrego
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
@GibJimson
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
@AsgardianRose
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
@ozzyunc
My great-grandmother lived to 101. Her six children are all alive & have each outlived a spouse. The secret to a long life is not enjoying it.