A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
You Might Also Like
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.