A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

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Tis the season to kidnap a tree, hold it hostage, keep it from its family during the holidays, then leave it for dead.


Me: when I was your age we had nine planets

6: what happened? We only have 8 now.

Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.

6: 😳

Hubby: um honey…

Me: what? It’s better than the truth!


Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think


Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.


Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.


I wear a monogrammed bathrobe but only when I’m mowing the lawn


This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.


I’m really glad they named a park bench after my uncle in memorial. It fits, he was great at having homeless ppl sleep on top of him


*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!


Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned