Tis the season to kidnap a tree, hold it hostage, keep it from its family during the holidays, then leave it for dead.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
You Might Also Like
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I wear a monogrammed bathrobe but only when I’m mowing the lawn
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I’m really glad they named a park bench after my uncle in memorial. It fits, he was great at having homeless ppl sleep on top of him
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!
Ok now say “coffee”!
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE