A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
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my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
My boss called in sick of me
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶