Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
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In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror