Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol