a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
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Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*