a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

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“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!


ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.


I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.


“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck


The Foo Fighters did a really good job, because I haven’t had to deal with any Foo in years.


Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you’ll give birth to half of a baseball team.


Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want


*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*


*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack