@flashember

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

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@DannyZuker

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

@_SingleBabyMama

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

@daemonic3

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?

@kimtopher22

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

@2questionable

Most googled search terms today

Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?

After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?

@offbeatoliv

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.