Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
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My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”