@flashember

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

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@TheTweetOfGod

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

@dafloydsta

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

@impaulmccoy

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

@SkinnerSteven

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

@RyanSaysWords

The Foo Fighters did a really good job, because I haven’t had to deal with any Foo in years.

@TheMichaelRock

Pregnant white women over 30 always buy the biggest SUV around, because you never know when you’ll give birth to half of a baseball team.

@SatansTongue

Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want

@TheAlexP

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

@soandrewyang

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack