a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
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you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
❤️❤️❤️
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.