A firm handshake and a kiss on the neck is how I like to close my job interviews. Nailed it!

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[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?


“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.


How to pick up a woman at Walmart.

Very slowly and team lift with your legs.


Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?


One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.


Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.


Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.


I eat sunflower seeds because I like food but I absolutely love littering