Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
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Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.