[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
A firm handshake and a kiss on the neck is how I like to close my job interviews. Nailed it!
You Might Also Like
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
How to pick up a woman at Walmart.
Very slowly and team lift with your legs.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
I eat sunflower seeds because I like food but I absolutely love littering
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.