A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
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I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I cannot stop laughing at this
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog