A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

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Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture


So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you


‘Why are they arresting that dog?!? What did he do?!?’

–my 6yo upon seeing a police dog sitting in the back of a police car


[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*


CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)


I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.


Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit


Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…


3 rules for having good teeth: brush and floss twice a day, see your dentist twice a year, and keep your nose out of other peoples business.


If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.