I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
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Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.