A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
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One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.