@SteveKoehler22

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

@dadmann_walking

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

@Rockenden

To the first designer to make skirts so tight that a slit had to be added to the back: Good job.

Flip flop guy: Go stand in the corner.

@ceejoyner

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

@AndrewChamings

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

@KeetPotato

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

@noxxhell

When Doves get married in a parallel universe they release screaming humans from the cage.

@Spaziotwat

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

@oldfriend99

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

@YUCKYBOT

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.