Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

“Done the ad yet?”

“Yes, it’s already up.”

“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”

“More or less”

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”