[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
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Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.