A flock of dads is called a grill.
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I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
True?
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”