A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
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Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
#Caturday
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
That eye roll….
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Watermelon Boss!
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”