A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
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What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
At Walmart during the holidays like..
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
at ease…shoulder.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Stop being racist to kettles.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille