I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman. So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services