a fool and his money are hey new iphone
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Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Just a friendly reminder!
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?