thinking about a very short hotdog
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this